Pre CNY rambling
After Christmas comes the most dreaded time of the year..(in my dictionary at least)..chinese new year..the most overrated festival that only kids would enjoy. The only pleasures I derive from this are that I get to sleep most of the times cos most shops aren’t open and access to pineapple tarts :p. But before that we get subjected to incessant nagging from the parents and then even more kind words from our relatives(and then you thank god u only see them once in a purple moon)
The awkward moment when your relative decides to hand you an angbao…then repeats the same sentence as per previous years..”i hope next year I don’t have to give you angbao…” Then in the toilet, you secretly peep into the packet and spot a pathetic $4 inside. Not as if they give you $400 every year….the more direct ones would ask why I would not get a partner…husband bleh bleh..was I too choosy?now that I’m being left on the shelf, I should lower my expectations….etc etc etc
Many times I wanted to tell them..I do have partners!it’s just that I think you would prefer me not to bring them home or show them to you…and what is wrong with being single anyway? And I always reply my inquisitive relatives with the idiot proof answer…”it’s the men who’S choosing me..not I choose them leh…” Most of them will just laugh it off at my reply(incidentally I use the same reply every year and they still laugh) Ah well.. with just about 2 weeks left to the festival.. I better start brainstorming for more creative replies to avoid the topic.
I have no idea when I started developing such a jaded view of marriage..in my opinion, it is simply nothing more than a legal piece of document binding 2 people for a lifetime. When I was 16/17, like any other naive teenager, I harbored visions of getting married before I hit 25 years..then have like 3 kids or so when I hit 30s..then in a blink of an eye it seems…I turned 23…no impending signs of marriage still..uh no…I turned 24…along came a guy who seemed perfect(in most ways). He had a career, loved me to bits…was ready to settle down, so much hope..so many promises..we would probably have gotten married had he not decided to just disappear. DIsappear out of the blue…. Disappear for good…disappear from my life….the one man who gave me so much hope and promises, the one man who I was so close to marrying and it is exactly because of this that he could singlehandedly bring my world crushing down. How is it possible that someone who claims he loves you so much bear to give you so much hurt and pain?
It’s amazing that he would keep mentioning marriage to a woman whom in the end,couldn’t bid a proper goodbye to. Then I slowly began to realize what sent my world crushing down was not the fact that he wasn’t ready to marry me. It was the realization that “he does not love me anymore” or “I lost his love for me somehow”…that realization was heart wrenching.. Consider this: if we were married and I were to discover that “he does not love me anymore”… I think my heart would break into even more pieces than it did previously…so then 24 years old passed me by….25 years old…and now into my 30s…I had long stopped thinking of when marriage will come..I literally stopped wishing for it.. Because I didn’t need a marriage to stay in love with a person…because I think falling out of love with someone you are not married to makes things less complicated..
Heard the song “breakeven” by The Script”? “He’s moved on while I’m still grieving…when a heart breaks,it don’t break even”
How true indeed.. But I take heart that even if my heart breaks more….when it heals….it will prove to be even tougher and stronger than before..whoever said men is the stronger sex?:p
And to all other singles trying to survive CNY, I so feel u…. You are not alone 🙂